i dunno shit that just didn't add up. i suppose after a few years of therapy i had strength to ask questions...despite what the answers were going to be. something i couldn't do as a child or young adult. like why was my name changed at 18? who are rose and bud (foster family) and why do i have memories of them? if my dad died when i was 9 why did i find mail from him after '88?
i started looking into my adolescent medical history and came across files that only lead to more questions: why is my father not marked as deceased? why was my case never followed up on? i moved onto my early childhood medical records that i had in nv. i found records on me being admitted to the hospital about every 3 months. a police report was made and because of this it lead me to look into the criminal files on E and discovered, for lack of a better term, the mother load.
it was then that i called the judge who presided over mine and mother's cases. now this is where it gets serendipitously weird.
the judge has a daughter named Kristina. She married my father's eldest son. Her name is Kristina Dominguez.
when i called i simply said that i was Christina Dominguez and was immediately forwarded to judge w by the receptionist who thought i was his daughter. he recognized that it wasn't his Kristina. i didn't know who he was and started asking how i could get a copy of my mother's court transcripts. he replied that he could do better than that had been waiting for my phone call for some time and that he knew people who wanted to get in touch with me.
it was then that i started talking with my father's eldest son and catching up. R, his wife and his daughter came to SF in 2004. we talked for hours each night and after a few months I went to NV with zim to meet my father, rose and bud, judge w and other family.
it was a crazy time and left me with probably just as many questions as it answered.
tell me this rings a bell. i think you may have not been communicating with me during parts of this because you didn't agree with me dating zim...
sent the email off and was returned with a beautiful letter back from Beaner.
she reminded me of my spirit as a child and how much she wished that she had my strength, courage and fearlessness. i forgot that i was those things. best part was that she told me it wasn't a friend she found it was her long lost sister. i had the same sentiments and, between you and me, while writing back - i had to stop and cry several times. it's the best thing that's happened to me this year. i'm already looking forward to visiting her in Oregon this spring.
i refuse to look back on this year in the next coming week. it was a hell of a year with not much forward progress. and as much as i raise my fist at myself and the powers that be i *know* that it was not all in vain. i feel as though a foundation was laid out that will prove beneficial over the next few years, i hope.
events that made me smile this year off the top of my head:
full moon in hawaii for my birthday
my new bass
14' of snow in 14 days for my utah spring visit
my time with morgan
fireworks on the bay while kayaking
rock climbing in la jolla
the burn
dlb's
writing a letter to zach after 12 years
reconnecting with Beaner
my massive exposure to new music
finding out that someone actually reads this load
my best friend from grammar school recently found me. she moved away when we were 13 to Oregon.
i remember getting very serious about riding my bike to oregon to see her. i mapped out a route started doing research on camping, the whole bit. i wouldve done anything for her. i did everything with her and her family. friday bowling nights, dancing madly, piano lessons, doog, the silliness.
how do you catch someone up on 16 years of your life? how do i catch someone up on my life?
btw the dad i thought was dead. found out that he's not. yeah, interesting man met him a few years back...elva? she's well. turns out she was wanted by the nv authorities for child neglect and taking me across state lines and changing my name in '83. i know. i know was a little surprised too. interesting story if you've got the time...
survived the holiday weekend with the box set of six feet under, my running shoes and a giant dose of isolation.
if it were any other time of the year my time spent alone would probably be concerning. i tried to incorporate holiday time with family a few years back and that ended up with a greater division, a black eye and several bruised ribs.
i've gratefully shared numerous holidays with friend's family but there were always awkward reminders of what i didn't have and that somehow made the season that much darker.
i'm accustomed to spending the holidays selfishly alone. it's my time to focus on me while the whole world wraps themselves in themselves.
last year was over 21 days skiing and a quiet utah cabin. this year 30 days of bikram and skiing.
am i distracting myself from loneliness? i am alone but not lonely. i like to think of it as i'm distracting myself from distractions. i hate waking up on my birthday recovering from the emotional blender of the holidays. i want to be clear and focused. In my short years of being an adult, i recognize that for the time being this requires a sabbatical from the month of december.
i notice this sense of shame comes over me especially during the holiday season that i can't shake. i see it. i see where it comes from but i can't stop it from hitting me every year. now until my birthday are the darkest days of the year. typically i will bury myself away, work, travel, avoid having to talk about family or holiday celebrations.
part of what keeps me hidden is fear. i fear that if stay open to this or acknowledge it that i'll be consumed, swept away to a place i can't be reached or saved. like i'll lose my footing and float away to insanity. funny how fear of this irrational unknown is so crippling.
there is always a part of me is grieving no family - the holidays just intensify it. it will be almost 10 years since i cut off communication. i want to stay open to that pain this year and let the light lift some of the shame. i know I haven't done anything wrong but i keep punishing myself (and friends) for shit that is done and over.
i trust myself and know myself to be able to handle what i've been pushing away. it's hard and at the 'end' of it - i know i can't ignore what's through the looking glass.
I'm on the phone - it's you on the other end. You're falling alseep, and for some reason this is a very bad thing. I'm looking for someone who's supposed to be able to help you, while on the phone with you - they're supposed to be somewhere nearby i think. I keep saying your name, but it's not working. That's how it feels - not that you're not answering, but that your name is not working. I'm trying to remember what name i'm supposed to say that will work, but i can't think of it. I think the person i'm looking for knows the name. And it's not Bento.
this dream a friend had of me tickled so many emotions. the kind of emotions that have yet to come in the forms of words. i should have been dreaming this.
I'm still putting it on with what I've been experiencing in my waking life. dischord with my family name, slipping slopes of death, recognition of helplessness in helping myself and this sense that others do not see me as I am.
last nights 'chode dinner' party was epic. the house was tucked away in a bamboo garden and had sweeping views of the sweet sweet City. violet haze and rivers of diamonds flowing with a shy moon still in it's full moon afterglow.
my muse, the counselor, the skiing vineyardist and the zazie lovers. I couldn't have planned a better evening.
the theme was letting go to make room. turning the page so that the story can continue.
too often we hold on to people, things, places hoping to experience what we initially felt.
how does one satiate an original feeling?
you don't. you let go and make room for a new original. otherwise you chase an ever elusive undefinable thing. and that is plain silly.
woke up feeling so sweet and happy in San Francisco this am. mobile blog works?
have i got stories for you.
so many changes....i know we fell out of touch.
i stopped writing all together, fell into a hole and coming back up.
part of it was that i didn't want to talk about the entire kidney thing
publicly - among other things. I'll fill you in better than a moon pie but just wanted to let you
know i was thinking of you
Circuses abuse elephants. Please tell KyXy 96.5fm that circus ticket giveaways are not an acceptable way to draw in listeners.
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Kyxy Staff,
I enjoy listening to your station, but I was disappointed to hear this weekend that you were promoting the Ringling Bros. Circus with a ticket giveaway. You may not know that elephants are abused as a matter of course during their training and rehearsals for circus performances. Many former Ringling Bros.' employees have come forward to tell of horrible abuses and inhumane conditions for elephants. It is clear that inhumane treatment for elephants in circuses is the rule
rather than the exception; techniques used by circus trainers include the bullhook, a sharp metal hook that tears the skin, electric prods, and whips. Fortunately, there are many animal-free circuses that offer dazzling entertainment without the animal cruelty. I encourage your station to partner with one of the many animal-free circuses that now tour the nation. It breaks my heart that many San Diegans support the cruel and indefensible practices of Ringling Bros. elephant trainers with their entertainment dollars. I beg you to stop participating in elephant abuse by turning down ticket giveaway opportunities with Ringling Bros. and Carson and Barnes circuses. Until then, I will be tuning my dial to another station, and encouraging others to as well. For more information, including video interviews with former elephant trainers, lists of animal-free circuses, and more, please visit http://www.circuses.com/ .
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
[Your City]
